*skips tutorial* how the fuck do you play this game
I have a friend who deals drugs, including cocaine.
I could lose a shit ton of weight and stop being so exhausted and tired all the time… if I could afford it.
Tired. Fat. Broke.
My boyfriend hadn’t yelled at me like that in 2 months. Wow. I know he’s hurting and wish he would just open up to me.
He says all we do is talk about me. I ask him every day multiple times how he is doing, what he’s thinking about, and how his day has gone. He never says anything. So I talk about myself since he won’t share anything with me. I admit that.
I would talk to him and be there for him whenever he needs me. He says all I do is repeat myself and talk about myself. I just want my partner to open up to me.
I don’t know what to do.
Laying in bed next to a box of Kleenex.
I was supposed to go see Bam Margera. And my bf’s ex asked me about going. We both said we weren’t sure because we didn’t want to go alone. We said we would tell each other if we went.
I heard for over a week what a terrible person he is and how I’m only talking to her to get information about him. Wtf.
So I’m laying in the couch with an upset stomach and diarrhea (probably stress related since my heart best goes nuts when he’s around and my anxiety flips out). So no I don’t want to go.
Especially after arguing with him for almost an hour about how he doesn’t want me to see his ex. I don’t want to fight and he’s right, Bam is already rich and doesn’t need my money. I wanted to go just to say “I saw Bam!” because the 14 year old me was obsessed with him.
So I gave in and said I’m not going. For an hour I’ve heard “Debbie, your concert” and “do you want me to give you $20?”. No. We fought so much over it and I feel like shit. So no. After making a huge deal out of it I would not like to go.
Thanks anyways babe.
I’m broke any ways. It’s probably a waste of money being an all ages show too… but I never get myself anything. I pay all the bills and make sure we have groceries and I have gas to get to work. Sorry I get Martin’s side door deli a couple times in a week. My one indulgence. And it’s shitty anyways. Jesus I’m a ball of nerves. I can’t tell if I’m really sick or just stressed. Haven’t felt this in a while.
After that last reblog, I realized something. It will be time for shorts before you know it! Eek!
If you know me, I have disgusting legs. Always have. So when I wore “normal” shorts last summer I was being ballsy. No clue why I thought that was a good idea. I didn’t even wear shorts to Warped Tour, big mistake for a summer day of July in good ‘ol Indiana. This year? I WILL be wearing shorts to Warped. No excuses.
I WILL not have as disgusting legs.
I WILL not worry about others behind me seeing them.
And I WILL have a good time.
Look at you Ms. Confident. Let’s see how I feel in a couple months after I try on those shorts. Might be a whole different story.
I’m a size 16. My shorts are a size 16 from last summer and they started to get tight in September. Probably because that’s when I hit an emotional bottom in my life. I’m an emotional eater… duh! I have no shame in my size. My weight? Maybe. But I bravely post it every time I weigh-in at the gym. Like I said this is “skinny” for me. I wasn’t even this “small” my senior year of high school. Ok granted I was a size 18… when I was 18. However, I remember my pants being unable to button up in the mornings and throwing a belt over it acting like it wasn’t happening. The wash probably shrunk them. They’ll be fine in a few days after a little wear. Smooth, right? Wrong. More like denial.
My biggest problem right now is my upper arms and all of my legs. Thank you creators for not giving me cankles. Those thunder thighs and huge calves were not on my agenda but two people with those issues accidentally created me and passed them on to me. Thanks. Hope that thyroid disease doesn’t hit me though, can’t do much about that shit. My dad has suffered from that his entire life. Makes his weight go up and down. A god damn fitness roller coaster. Doesn’t matter how hard he tries. Oh and my grandma (whom I love and miss dearly) was morbidly obese and had congestive heart failure. I talk shit about those who become a product of their environment so it’s time to take a taste of my own medicine and fight the gene pool of predisposed awfulness. It is not an excuse to give up and say it was bound to happen based on my family history. I am not too worried about my stomach, can you believe that? Except for that weird fat roll under my belly button and above my hoo-hah. WTF is that thing? FUPA?
I am trying to give myself a little tumblr pep talk so if I look crazy deal with it. Don’t worry, I will get off this high horse and become a Debbie Downer again. But I will do my best to pick myself back up. I’ll keep going to the gym. Mostly because my boyfriend makes the comment about me skipping it. Then I feel guilty since there’s no excuse to skip the gym while I’m sitting on my ass watching TV from 5:30 pm to midnight because I was “tired”.
My first attempt at him going to work out with me was a massive failure. He’s supposed to go with me today after work. And this time it will be different. People have been kissing my ass for way too long and I need to hear these things. Yes, it hurt my feelings at first when he told me people stare at my legs and after he asked me “how could you let yourself go so young?”. I had no answer because there is no answer. Any answer would be an excuse. So call him mean (we all know us girls are sensitive) but he keeps pushing me to eat better and get my ass to the gym. I need that.
When he was working I didn’t have anyone there to point out that I was eating chips and chocolate for 6 hours straight while sitting on the couch. And getting fast food 4 times a week for lunch was a pretty solid mistake. I’m learning to snack rather than binge. This is hard. SUPER hard. I’m addicted to fast food. I want fries 24/7. I’m making an effort though. My boyfriends abrasive commentary is more like tough love.
So there you have it. I’m actually dreading the gym tonight. I hate it. I go because I have to. I never feel good afterwards and I keep telling myself at some point it will be worth it, I hope. Says the girl who ate a bag of M&Ms for lunch…
Laid down for a nap at 5:30 pm with my boyfriend. Next thing I know it’s 9 pm and he’s nowhere to be found. He got up an hour ago. We were supposed to go to the gym…